11 weeks or 77 days

‘YOU THINK TOO MUCH!’

It still echoes between my two ears how that was said to me last Saturday. Some time has passed since then, it seems and feels like that I had been unconsciously been craving to hear that. It was (and definitely still is!) the truth, and it’s neither a complicated nor actually an uncomfortable one. That statement was said during a conversation, while there was a break as none of us was speaking, and maybe it was some kind of contemplative silence that could also be a generative space, a breath between input and output, it was silent because I was (over-)thinking. It was maybe because of that, that the sentence got me so strongly, because it was said into the silence. It was, as if it cut into my thinking. And that was really good.

‘YOU DO TOO LITTLE’

This wasn’t actually said, but was more coming from my internal voices, and is a logical consequence of my overthinking. It keeps me from doing as much as I want, from the creative and generative type of doing I would like to be in and take on much more, and it even shuts me off from any doing at all, because my thoughts have lead me into fear, and into possible scary outcomes. It’s maybe a way better option to just face the scary problem once it actually shows up in reality (if it does at all), instead of facing and fighting it only in my mind, where it’s just been constructed from nowhere. It has to do with wanting to be reflected, wanting to do things in the best way possible, it’s a striving and longing for perfectionism before any action, so that parts of me can argue proudly and confirm assuringly that it was done really well afterwards.
Not daring, not wanting to be a beginner, because many others can do it (=whatever, everything) so much better than me, not wanting to seem naïve, scared of the critical eyes or the judging thoughts that are kept hidden and never been given voice to, both within and outside me, being witnessed when failing, frowning faces that have some kind of ‘what is she doing’-expression on their foreheads while shaking their heads contemptuously. Rapid prototyping should be my mission now, and that’s not a new concept for me at all, I’ve already known about that earlier – but mainly in theory.  Being out there (or in here), in action, daring to say or be in a space where I have no idea what I am doing, but making trust my closest companion in any endeavor. Clinging tightly to its hands, so I’d gain enough confidence in believing that my doing is a right and valuable thing. And if I fail, then at least I learn, and that is doubtlessly valuable, so that makes it a success after all and a victory against toxic overthinking in itself.

Even while writing this, I’m catching myself how much I’m overthinking and thinking over what I’m writing, how to phrase it, what I want to say and whether it actually makes any sense at all, both to me and to you. Critical reflection is certainly a good thing to some extend and it’s well needed to question the things we do, but, for me personally, it’s limiting right now. Too much is too much, and right now seems to be a moment where ‘too little’, at least for a while, sounds like a good and appropriate medicine.

Getting up & stepping out 

It’s 77 days until midsummer, my most favorite day in the world, and so in the upcoming 11 weeks, I’m going to write each day about my absolutely dearest word in the world, namely vitality. I’m committed to dive deeper into the theme, and instead of having circling, spinning, repetitive thoughts about it, I keep it active, engaged and alive. Vitalizing vitality itself… Grateful that the seasonal shift to spring is naturally supporting me in this intention, teaming up with nature is in itself a useful idea (but that’s maybe worth another text to be written, a conversation to be in and especially, (tadaaaa!) to be experienced in itself).

 

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