My thought brought a little smile to my face. ‘I don’t have an every day life.’
That’s something I feel proud of saying about myself, but even more do I wish that many more others could honestly state the same of themselves. As I was walking a few meters further, taking my steps through delicious april air, the smile even got a little brighter. No, I’m not stuck in a dull rhythm I want to flee away from by taking a flight to a fancy place. Instead, life is filled up with new adventures, new learnings, new encounters and new opportunities. I surprise myself sometimes by leading the life I lead: Aren’t I supposed to live in a german city, live in a flat share, party hard weekends, Wednesdays, and study even harder during the rest of the time until I’m mentally exhausted, just as my fellow students? No. But I had thought I’d be.
Aren’t I supposed to get a proper degree and work on my academic career? Maybe.
Aren’t I supposed to …? No. No! Noooooo!
Call it a weak moment, but it sometimes really gets me and I start believing that I am supposed to. But I want to believe that neither me nor anyone else is actually supposed to. What kind of life do I really want to live? Pretty much not one on which I look back and see myself having done what I was f*** supposed to do. No.
Rather, I want to watch back on my past path proudly – witnessing that I followed, realized and lived my dreams.
Why else do we own dreams if it is not to pursue them???
I don’t think I am being an exception if I want to look back at a fulfilled life, having created something tangible, a meaningful reality for more than just myself from all those dream substances. Having absolutely adored and loved what I did. Having grown in grace. Having taken my steps in constant momentum with the assistance of my curiosity and support of my courage.
Instead of striving in an academic career in a german city, I do live in the Swedish country side, doing my thing(s), and that feels very vitalizing but also very hard to justify against the academic world, the safety it seems to promise, and the value that the majority of society puts into it. I simply can’t study for the sake of studying. However, there is a little battle in me, despite my unwillingness to give up a little of my daily freedom, there’s an uncomfortable craving for a comforting ‘BA’, then a professional ‘MA’, and yes even ‘PhD’ to put in my CV. But I don’t think I could just go to university and do what is required of me, so far at least I couldn’t. One day, who knows, the perfect subject might pop up and my passion for it will naturally ensure that I’ll eagerly absorb all theory like a greedy sponge. We’ll see. And if not, life will have offered something other precious instead, and I don’t feel I actually have a choice but to TRUST in that. For now, I’ve chosen this way because it makes me feel alive. And because it feels right.