Vitality – 77/77 – Melancholic Midsummer: Still not there.

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Skäms inte för att du är människa, var stolt!
Inne i dig öppnar sig val på
vald oändligt.
Du blir aldrig färdig, och det är som det skall.

TOMAS TRANSTRÖMER, ROMANSKA BÅGAR


It is the 21st of June today, and that means it is the last of these 77 writing days. This is going to be a melancholic post, melancholic in its nature in various layers. For one, it is summer solstice, the longest day of the year and the decrease of daylight from now on. Paradoxically, this day marks only the beginning of the summer but I’m doubtful, today as much as on previous days and weeks, whether I feel actually ready for it. I admit, I’m not in summer mood nor am I in summer mode. Personally, I’m seeing and feeling that my personal vitality level is really not at all on the level where I would like it to be. I still find some vitality in each day, here and there for some time in certain moments, and in some encounters for a while. But that is too little, and that is another reason for this one being a melancholic post. 

For weeks, actually months – for simply too long. And I partially know where this lack originates from but maybe the source for my current deficiency doesn’t matter so much. Too many tears, too little laughter. What matters more and most, is how I can get back into connection to the basic feeling of loving my life. I’m not waking up with an appetite for the new day ahead, nor do I go to bed and close my eyes with that feeling that I used to have, this sweet knowing deep down in my gut that I’ve lived the day as much as I needed, and as much as I could.  Am I simply striving for too much? Oh no, I’ve lived that way already and I just know that it can be reality. I’m missing it a lot, this life, streaming vibrantly through my veins, feeling wholeheartedly alive as a basic feeling, and not as an exception. I deserve it. We all do. 


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I just got back inside from a walk, the clock has passed midnight and summer’s begun. There’s a full moon shining brightly on the sky which is experiencing its shortest night of the year. Even though its night, it’s not really dark, and yet, there are nightly vibes out there. The smell of mosquito repellent was predominantly filling my nose but if I focused beyond that, I can smell wild flowers and moist grass, it’s midsummer fragrance. As I was heading back home, I didn’t even need to move my gaze away from looking down on my shadow walking in front of me. I would have noticed a nearing car with my ears – if it’s not darkness, it’s at least a certain kind of silence that makes this night a night.

Out there, I realized that maybe THAT Self just can’t experience THAT vitality anymore. I’m committed to let die in me whatever is ready to die. And to make space for whatever wants to be born in me, so that new parts may experience new vitality. It hurts to be in a phase like this during summer, but I’m craving for life.
Onwards and upwards from here.

“(…) Investigating the spiritual question at this deeper level leads to perhaps the most significant clash: the clash between the self and the Self. It is the clash between one’s old self, the person one has always been, and one’s emerging higher self, the self that embodies one’s highest future possibility(.…). On one side of that clash are all of one’s accumulated accomplishments and ego forces, good and bad. On the other side is a source of possibility that, in order to come into presence, to be activated, requires one to let go of the old and open up to the now. The living connection between these town selves — self and Self — in the now is what I refer to as presencing.” Otto Scharmer, Theory U

Today, vitality is the willingness to let things die.

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